Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Got No Money Guide To Home Decorating 2007
* That’s because there’s more manure in the world for blowing things slap to the moon than there are fine and fancy things for no money to use for decorating.
* I wouldn’t get too caught up in that, though. What can be done with $200 a yard fabric can always be done with other stuff given a freer sense of what’s what.
* Sheets can be used as curtains, if you don’t mind everywhere in your house looking like your bedroom.
* Yards and yards of fabric can be bought for $1.00 a yard or even 50 cents a yard that you wouldn’t want to use to line the floor of a doghouse, but given enough of it – there’s something Architectural Digest would be proud to display.
* It can always glow-in-the-dark with a little spray paint or poofs from t-shirt paint pods to make stars and planets or even fancy flow in the dark florals.
* Sparkle and spatter – these are some of the great terms of got no money decorating. If you can’t sparkle it, I would be surprised.
* Do not use spray adhesive to fling glitter on curtains for sparkle. After about six months, the dust in the air collects on them which gives a whole new meaning to the term textured.
* If you want spatter effects, this is easy enough given just about anything with color including kool-aid. You won’t learn this at kid’s school but do not do spatter effects with children around to see it being done. Their little minds are not going to think limited use in a decorating scheme on this.
* Spatter paint and glitter on sofa pillows are nice effects and some have been done to cover an entire couch, chair or wall. This does not work well with absolutely every paint in existence. I know by experience. The nice little acrylic paints leave hard poke into you spots when dry that don’t allow you to ever get comfortable on the same couch again.
* Do not assume that dust will not show up as much on dark surfaces. This is the same dust that looks darn well yucky everywhere else with its dark little greyed out lint but on dark fabrics, walls or furniture – it is bright enough to have its own zipcode.
Friday, June 08, 2007
It’s easy to understand that a little sticker on the car or home windows could deter criminals from desiring an end prize that isn’t worth it. Security company logos are used on property all the time to let the bad guys know the risk involved. But, if the thieves only knew . . .
* Before stealing this car – check the gas gauge. Yes, it is on E isn’t it?
* And how much money did you bring with you to stop by the Quicky Mart for gas? If things are bad enough to be stealing this car, you are in for a shock when you stop for gas . . . You know, it doesn’t go without gas, right?
* Apparently “D” doesn’t stand for “Daring to Believe”. I wish I had known that before I bought it and spent all my money to drive it. If you want to steal it, let me know and I’ll send you the payment book, the insurance forms and the maintenance schedule. You can have it all.
* The only air conditioning on this car is rolling down the windows. You might want to know what that rattling sound is under the car. Never mind – go ahead and steal it.
* Isn’t this just the perfect car you’ve always wanted? I felt that way, too. Would you like to know why I don’t feel that way anymore?
* This is a really slow way to make a living – stealing cars. It is NOT a million dollar idea!
* If you knew what the auto mechanic wanted to fix this car – you’d get out of the business of stealing and be a mechanic.
* Next year, I‘m getting a better car – come back later.
* God may forgive you for stealing this car – but you’ll have a hard time forgiving yourself after driving it a week. It’d be a good little car with new rotors, brakes and tires. Well, maybe with that and some other things, too.
* You just made my day. Thanks so much for wanting something I have. And my mom said this car was a worthless piece of – well, never mind what she said.
* I have a bank account I can’t keep a hundred dollars in and you think I have bank cards, credit cards and cash? What drugs are you on – that must be some good stuff. Just off in your own happy little la-la land, aren’t you?
* I have a daughter who is just your type. Leave your name and phone number – we’ll get back to you.
* Don’t worry about stealing the car – our daughter will find it when she’s ready to go somewhere and bring it back to you with no gas in it.
* Just because I look like I’ve got money – it doesn’t make it so. Just ask my mother-in-law.
* Let’s look at this. Stealing isn’t efficient. Hacking is efficient. But neither is efficient compared to being an attorney. Boy, do you need guidance.
* If my credit cards weren’t maxed out – I’d be on vacation. Kinda figures, doesn’t it.
* Take three steps back and get a good look at this car. If that doesn’t make you wanna steal something else, there is nothing I can do for you.
* Did you see that little ding in the bumper I put in it last week? You wouldn’t think going over one of those parking stubs would twist the frame and ding up the fender, would you? By the way, when you steal this car, you need to know the steering is a little loosey-goosey, too. Don’t ask. . .
* Somebody already ripped the tag off this car which wasn’t legal anyway because I didn’t have the money to go to the tag office and get the sticker for it. But that’s okay, I think the insurance was due at the same time.
* Have you considered that pimping a ride doesn’t mean using mine to do it?
* If you don’t have any money today – obviously – then after stealing this car and driving it a month – you’ll be in the same boat that I’m in.
* You just thought you were broke. Try having my lifestyle.
* The first Tuesday of next month, our house is being sold on the courthouse steps. The light bill is overdue by two months and the water was turned off yesterday. Now – let’s think this through. Do you really think the finance company will let you keep this car after you steal it? We’ve been hiding it from the repo man for months. Good luck.
* This house would be protected by a guard dog but you have to feed them.
* When we had money, we spent it the same day for beer, cigarettes and putting gas in the car. You might want to reconsider your options.
* Our dope man is our best friend. Guess where all our money is? Let us know and we’ll hook you up. Yes, his place does have an alarm system but you can get around that.
* Would you consider a barter? You can have all our credit cards and we’ll take your car.
* No, that is not a jump rope holding the car door on. It might look that way, but as long as you don’t open that door . . .
* If you break into this house, be careful where you step. Our dog hasn’t been out of the house for a week. The vet said Bebe won’t be contagious in a few more days. She is a little aggravated, though.
* We are not liable for any injuries arising from your attempt to steal from us.
* We took the best class in tae kwon do. It’ll be nice to have a chance to practice. Go for it.
* When you got up this morning, what were you thinking? Have you noticed the gas prices lately? What would make you think we have any money?
* There is a penny jar in the top cabinet. Have at it.
* Did you see all that fancy underwear from the mall in my lingerie drawer when you were hunting for money? Do you know what $35 will buy at the Mall?
* We had money until we went by Home Depot this morning. You should not watch those home improvement shows, if you want to have any money in the bank.
* We have two teenagers with cellphones. Do you have any idea what this means?
* Financially incompetent since the divorce. Ask my ex-husband.
* We spent more on the x-box than anything else. If you’re here to steal, take it. Maybe my grown children will move out.
* Global warming notwithstanding, you might want to get the fuel pump fixed if you steal this car. Or, do you believe walking is doing your part for the environment?
* Everything we own needs fixing. If it isn’t broken, needs painting or needs to be replaced, my husband got it in the divorce. Let me get you his address.
* Our car gets three miles to the gallon.
* Take it easy. This is not one of your best ideas. Our house note is behind because we only had enough money to give the IRS and buy groceries. There’s a can of tuna in the cabinet, help yourself.
* Our tv isn’t worth what we paid for it. We still have a vcr from 1980 something. I don’t know what there is steal. I haven’t been to Wal-Mart in over two months.
* I don’t have a laptop. My cellphone needs minutes bought for it because I’m out of minutes. There isn’t a loaf of bread in the house and if you steal anything here – you’re on your own. It probably needed replacing ten years ago.
* Would you believe our tv still has rabbit ears?
* I used to have a good attitude until I was laid off or down-sized or whatever they’re calling it now. You really DON’T want to get in the car with me. Take my word for it – I am psychotic.
* This property protected by permanent hostility towards anybody with money – this includes you. Since you’ve been stealing to make a living – you obviously have more money than I do.
* Tremendously aggravated taxpayer within. Be a hero. Go ahead, I’ve got nothing better to do.
* We ordered a pizza with our last thirty dollars. Try again next week.
* Grossly underpaid, overtaxed and stressed out.
* My psychiatrist says I’m at the breaking point. Steal from me at your own risk. I won’t necessarily go postal on you.
* You could get a real job easier than this. I know you already realize stealing is a lot harder than it looks. A lot of jobs give you money just to show up on time. You apparently know how to do that.