Family of Tech Support Providers and No Tech Support at Home

Tags

computers, cricketdiane, family, grandparents, grown children, How-to, humor, kids, modern living, Real-life, relationships, smartphones, tech support, technology

Maybe its like plumbers whose houses have the worst plumbing of everybody because they don’t feel like fiddling with it or mechanics with their own car doors held on with duct tape rather than getting it done right. There was an ad recently talking about grandkids being built-in tech support, maybe in some families – not mine so much.

If you want me to know how to turn that damn alarm off on your device, you should’ve told me a little more about it. When i hear the thing and want it to stop, I’m left with about three things I know not to do. One, is throwing it at the wall which never ends well and has to be explained. Two, is dropping it accidentally in the toilet which does stop the alarm but same as above about having to explain how it got there. Three is to go wake up the idiot who belongs to the gadget and get them to turn it off – and everybody hates it when I do that. Well, you should’ve told me how to stop it in the first place.

Whenever I ask for tech support help, answers to dumb computer questions or just plainly and obviously don’t know how to make it do something I want it to do, and I ask for help from my younger family members, you’d think I’d have asked them to run down to the store and back five times for something we didn’t really need.

It seems to me that since they aren’t having to get up before the sun and go feed pigs, cows, chickens and milk anything, they could dial down their little shit fits about this. But, then – we don’t have cows, chickens and pigs, so they might not even get the reference. They don’t mind asking me how to get the burnt popcorn out of the pan where they’ve burnt it on there for the upmteenth time and I finally made them clean it instead of me. Nope, I’m supposed to provide that tech support right there and then no matter what else I may have been doing. It is funny, though.

Asked to explain something from computer land, and family members seem to find a reason to get up and go into the other room like they can’t be bothered with explaining it at all. One of these days, I’m going to let them figure out for themselves without any help how to do the fifteen thousand things I’m doing for them and then we’ll talk about the value of tech support and sharing information.

• cricketdiane, 03-13-2016

Very Funny Skeltie the Skeletons LOL iPad Case New Design – New Characters

Tags

Art, Artwork, characters, cricketdiane, CricketHouseStudios, design, Fun, funny, humor, laughing, laughter, LOL, new characters, new designs, skeletons

iPad Case Skeltie the Skeletons LOL Funny by CricketDiane
Check out iPad Air Cases online at Zazzle

**

http://www.zazzle.com/ipad_case_skeltie_the_skeletons_lol_funny-179108752751477691?rf=238073773174474814

**

Newest iPad Case Design by CricketDiane – Kids and Computers, especially girls

Tags

case, computers, cricketdiane, design, funny, humor, iPad, new, new designs, STEM, tech, technology

CricketDiane iPad Case Funny Humor Computers by CricketDiane
Look at Cricketdiane Cases online at Zazzle.com

http://www.zazzle.com/cricketdiane_ipad_case_funny_humor_computers-256898201948154484?rf=238073773174474814

**

The Bat Princess Story – a true story – unedited

Tags

animal stories, animals, bat princess, bats, comedy, cricketdiane, cricketdiane stories, funny, Halloween, humor, true life stories, true story

The Bat Princess Story – a true story –

I’m going to tell you the Bat Princess story. It really happened. Years ago, I rented a room in a boarding house in Dookeyville for a little while – that’s Douglasville, Georgia. This house was owned by a preacher who had turned it into a boarding house. There were ten men who lived there and me. I rented what was like a closet. It was where the dormer window on the second floor had been enclosed into a room with a twin bed. There was only about enough room for the bed and a few feet at the end of it, barely enough to turn around or sit on the floor and eat at a long bench I had against the wall. It cost $55 a week and the house was otherwise huge with a shared kitchen that had 20 foot ceilings and plenty of space. Every other room had been turned into rooms for the boarding house, so the kitchen was the only community area except the huge hallways and stairs. The house was two stories and over a hundred years old. It could’ve been there during the civil war or built just after it. All of the rooms downstairs had tall ceilings and there were wide porches on the front and back of the house. On the grounds that could be seen sitting on the stairs of the porch in the evening, there were lots of hardwood trees spread out with soft green grass beneath and a feeling that is indescribable.

While I lived in that little room, the ceiling tiles from its drop ceiling fell into my room. It was only a couple of them and I didn’t really think much about it – they had been bulging out anyway from something staining them that I thought was probably water from a leak in the roof that had happened at some time. A couple nights after the tiles had fallen out of the ceiling – those old acoustic kind that were usually put in offices rather than houses – I was asleep in the old-fashioned maple bed in my room that looked like it was straight out of Father Knows Best when something buzzed me. I felt a flutter across my face and hair then looked because it woke me up – to find absolutely nothing. There was a window right next to my bed and not really a foot of space on the side to get out of the bed, so I looked for the window to have let something in – but there was nothing and I figured the wind had kicked the curtain across my face since the bed was right up against it and the wall that held it, then snuggled back into my covers to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, the same thing happened again waking me up again. Something had flitted across my face and hair, then was gone and was nowhere to be seen once I got up and turned the light on to look for it. There was nothing under the bed, and not against the wall behind the spindles of the headboard, nothing over at the low table I used for eating and nothing anywhere I could see. So, I went back to bed after turning out the light but I was laying there awake with my eyes open and sense alert to find out what it was if it happened again. Never in my mind would I have guess what it was. I thought it may have been the curtains to begin with but by the second time, knew it was not and my mind’s thoughts were about a bird or dragonfly, a large flying roach or maybe even a rat that was racing so fast across me that it only seemed to be flying. But, I was wrong – it was all of those things yet none of them.

It didn’t take long laying there in the dark for the flutter of something to come back across me low and swooping at my covers, face and hair. This time it had come from the end of the bed beyond where the small space and table sat. It came fast and low, it swooped and was large enough to have a shadow so it obviously wasn’t a bug but I knew it could be a bird that somehow had gotten caught in my room. Swooping down across me again, I saw the thing swoop into the tiny space behind the headboard at the wall. There was no way I was going to stick my hand in there and see what it was reaching up from my covers and I sure didn’t want to look for it by only the light from the window filtering in from the streetlight the preacher had put out in the yard for security with its blue neon glow. I carefully left my blankets in place and slid sideways out of the bed, sneaked quietly along that little space beside the bed to get over to the light switch on the wall by the door and flipped it on as fast as I could before the thing could get away from me where I couldn’t see it. But there was no movement at all. I thought maybe I had dreamed the whole thing and got myself in a state. Feeling like that was probably the case and pretty silly because of it, I went slowly back over to where my bed sat against the wall and started to look, just in case it was real. There was a quick flurry of wings and a black shape flew up into the curtains from behind the headboard. I had no idea what it could be. There are some animals that can do that, birds of course and flying roach waterbugs definitely do it, so here I was on my knees standing up on the bed trying to not fall over while gingerly checking the curtains hoping there wouldn’t be a roach flying into my face. I barely moved on fold of the curtain when I was buzzed again right by the side of my face by something that flew really fast and went straight to the table at the end of the room where there were several bowls and things sitting. I nearly fell off the bed.

After going over to the little bench I was using as a table, it was sitting there looking at me like a propped up bird, but it wasn’t a bird. It looked like a bat that was about the size of a dime’s worth of bat – very small, brownish and black with big sad eyes – but it was little bitty for any bat I had ever seen having watched them out in the yard at night flying around the street lights. It flew past me within a few seconds and I watched it land almost like falling into the space behind my headboard. Well, I knew that wasn’t going to work. I thought about going back to sleep, letting the bat settle down and just figure it out the next day. It seemed like a pretty good idea. So, the bat would fly back and forth a few times, eat some spiders or something and basically leave me alone. That seemed like a pretty good idea, yes. That’s what I did. I said to the bat, look I’m going back to sleep now, you leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone. How about not buzz bombing me anymore, just chill out your bat self and we will get along fine. So, having explained it to the bat, knowing what was doing it, and thinking the bat would get tired, leave me alone possibly, and maybe even just sit behind my headboard till morning, I got back in the bed to go back to sleep. I don’t remember if I turned out the light but it probably was left on, just in case I had to jump up and do something with the bat. Sure enough, the bat didn’t stay still for long. If it had not been for its swooping down to dive bomb me every time it passed, I probably would’ve still not tried to worry with it until morning, but no. That bat would come up from behind the headboard flitter right next to my face and hair, swoop up high to the other end of the room, then sit on a bowl at the table or fall in behind the table by the wall. I bet it did that thirty times before I gave up and got up to go find some way to catch it.

Ten men in that house and me. Who you gonna call? I wasn’t about to wake them up at four in the morning to deal with a bat in my room. I put my shoes on and day clothes, went down to the kitchen and got a large popcorn bowl. Then I went back upstairs to my room not sure where the bat was at that point, rounded up a piece of cardboard from a box and stood as still as I could by the door looking for where it flew next. It wasn’t long and the little buggar flew right past me into the bowl on the table and I popped the bowl over it, slid the cardboard under both bowls, then got it up with my hand under the cardboard to carry it outside. It wasn’t daylight yet and of course the door to the back porch was locked, so I put the bowls on the floor, unlocked the door and took it out to the porch. I had caught crickets and spiders this way, usually flinging them from the cup or bowl once outside, but this time I didn’t know what this flying animal would do, so I placed it on one side of the porch near the steps and took the top larger bowl off, then went back inside. The bat didn’t move. I didn’t want to wait for it to move, but was kind of afraid I might have hurt it putting the bowl over the top and hoping it hadn’t. About the time I walked across the porch to the door, I heard a movement and looked back just in time to see it sit up perched on the bowl and I went inside. Then I went back up to my room after putting the popcorn bowl in the sink in the kitchen, snuggled back into my blankets and went to sleep with the light on and my regular day clothes still on. It was snuggly and fine and surely there would not be any more problems with bats I thought, even though my mind kept trying to imagine how it had gotten in my room. It didn’t even occur to me that the falling ceiling tiles had anything to do with it.

The next day, the bat was gone from the bowl and I took the cardboard piece and the bowl back into the house, then went on my way to do the things I had to do that day walking into town and never seeing anybody that lived in the house to tell them anything about it. In the afternoon, I came back to the house to find two of the guys chasing a bat down the hall with a broom and rolled up newspaper as it flew back and forth caught in the hallway with its 20 foot ceilings and large stairway. They would chase it one way and then the other as it swooped down across them each time it passed. It was probably closer to early evening than afternoon and they had come in from work, found the bat flying back and forth in the hallway and decided to kill it by hitting it with the broom and then stomping it with their workboots once they got it down. I was laughing so hard, I almost couldn’t tell them a thing or help any with it. They looked like Keystone Cops from some old movie with that bat outsmarting them every time it passed. I said to them that they couldn’t kill it because bats are endangered and protected by that law so they stopped long enough to hear what I was saying with the broom in their hand still ready to kill it if they could get to it. I told them that aside from that, their plan to hit it with a broom or a rolled up newspaper was letting the bat get the better of them anyway and wasn’t going to work because it could fly higher and faster than they could ever get to. I said, let it land somewhere and we’ll catch it and put it outside – that’s more likely if ya’ll quit hitting at it. Then I went in the kitchen and got the bowl, went upstairs to get the cardboard, waited for it to land in the hall behind a chair and popped the bowl over it. The bowl was sideways but it was easy enough to hold it in place and carefully slide the cardboard behind it capturing the bat. It took only a few minutes once the guys had stopped flinging around at it and then I took the bowl with the bat in it outside to the porch, set it down, removed the cardboard and the bat flew away. Those guys watched the entire process absolutely stunned like they had never seen anything like that before. I asked them, didn’t you ever catch bugs when you were little kids? And to my surprise, being such brawny men, they never had and were scared to get close to anything like the bat because it might get them. I couldn’t believe it. It was just a little bat anyway.

That’s when they started calling me the Bat Princess and every time there was a bat to catch, they’d call me to come get it including when one decided to land in the milk of a cereal bowl that one of the guys was eating for breakfast. I just popped the bowl over it and took the whole thing outside again. I wasn’t sure if it was the same bat or different bats but they ended up being caught in just about every room and hallway of that house before we figured out where they were coming from. Most nights there would be one, sometimes two in my room buzz dive bombing me and several ceiling tiles had fallen out after the first one. I told the landlord about it, and he had intended to call an exterminator despite me telling him that bats have to be handled a special way because of being on the endangered species list. The exterminator companies did explain it to him though, because they wouldn’t come out to deal with bats for that very reason. The specialty company that would come out was specific to dealing with animals including bats that have to be relocated rather than killed and when they came out to study the problem, the falling ceiling tiles in my room were the first place they looked. Apparently that house had been used for years before becoming a boarding house, as the home of a taxi service and was known as a bat house. The bats had made the entire space above my room in a vaulted, almost two story pitched roof attic area into their home and there were thousands of them. They would come in at daylight through the eaves of the house and were hanging throughout the eaves and filling the attic space as well because their colony had grown so large. The man from the animal company said that it was the small baby bats that had been caught in my room essentially doing flight lessons when they had come through the hole in the ceiling, gotten lost and couldn’t get back. He was glad we hadn’t killed them because it turned out to be one of the Federal laws that are pretty serious in holding anyone accountable who does. He left after looking at the problem and came back a few days later with bat houses that he placed throughout the yard. He also put a bat door on each of the eave openings that would allow the bats to get out but not get back into those spaces which would force them to take up their new home in the bat houses being provided. And, my entire ceiling was ripped out and remade after I had a chance to look up into that amazing space above where I was trying to live in that tiny closet of a room. It was a space being enough to put a whole house up there nearly as big as the two-story house that could be seen below it and looked much like a pyramid set on top of the house two stories tall, entirely made of oak wood planks and beams. It was amazing. No wonder the bats liked that space. There was plenty of room for flying, constantly dark and right next to yard and trees where mosquitoes and bugs were easy to find.

Those guys continued calling me the Bat Princess even after the bats had been moved. It took only a few days for the bats to relocate into the bat houses once they were unable to get back into the attic, but once or twice they did come into the house through the open door trying to get back up there. We caught them and put them back outside, but it did surprise me that the men in of the house were still scared of those little bats especially after learning more about them from the animal specialist that came out to help with them. Those guys would still call me to come get those bats and act like that little bat could actually get up and get them. It was too funny.

– cricketdiane

**

Women Fashion Floral Modern Fun by CricketDiane

Tags

Fashion, humor, J.Crew, modern, NIKE, polyvore, style, Yves Saint Laurent

Women Fashion Floral Modern Fun by CricketDiane by cricketdiane featuring arts and crafts home decor

Working on Halloween Vampire Shirts

Tags

cricketdiane, funny, halloween tshirts, humor, new designs, vampire

Campy Vampy Vampire Fangs Halloween Shirt 2 by CricketDiane

Uploaded a video – too funny grandbaby trying to make a video with me

Tags

children, comedy, cricketdiane, funny, funny video, humor, humorous, kids

 

25 Things Your Mama Never Told You About Growing Up

Tags

adult, being grown up, cricketdiane, funny, good living, humor, life, life lessons, living, what mama taught you, wisdom

1. (They) take your weekends away – “they” includes life, job, home, family and responsibilities in general even if you don’t have a home, children & a family.
2. The dishes don’t wash themselves and magically get put away.
3. Clothes that don’t get washed this week will still need washing next week, (plus some).
4. Holidays don’t happen unless you plan it and do it.
5. The mail doesn’t appear in the house unless you go and get it from the mailbox.
6. Bills don’t get paid until you send them some money.
7. Cars don’t go without gas – it doesn’t gas itself.
8. Cars (& houses) need more than gas to go – at some point.
9. There is nobody there to tell you to take out the trash but you still have to take out the trash.
10. Nobody will think or believe you are special automatically but it doesn’t mean you aren’t.
11. Just because you don’t clean today, doesn’t mean it won’t be a bigger mess tomorrow when you get round to it.
12. Loneliness is not a sing you are alone and don’t like it – it is a sign you’ve forgotten to be genuinely interested in others and a bigger world around you.
13. Being bored is not the worst thing that will ever happen to you – it means to change.
14. If you complain about it today, it doesn’t mean it will be fixed tomorrow.
15. Whatever “it” is, probably won’t fix itself without you doing anything at all.
16. Can’t demand respect and get it – you have to earn it without asking for it.
17. Anyone who says, “trust me” is probably up to no good and not worthy of your trust. Stay away from them, don’t vote for them, don’t buy a car from them.
18. Beating the hell out of somebody is NOT conflict resolution and if that is the only thing on your menu for conflict resolution, you need to add more options to that menu.
19. If you buy what you want before you buy what you need, you could end up homeless and broke very unexpectedly and fairly quickly.
20. Not everything is “all or nothing” – in fact, most things aren’t.
21. The biggest shock of being a grown up is not being able to do just whatever you wanna do all the time.
22. When you have a child or make children, they don’t come with instructions.
23. A household is a business, not a kingdom and takes time to manage its details.
24. Just because you went to work today, doesn’t mean there’s nothing else that must be done today, nor does it excuse you from doing those things.
25. There will be a lot of people that just don’t like you and it is okay that they don’t. Being grown up means letting that go and work on other things, find other people who do like you and keep it in context. There are 7 billion people to choose from.

– cricketdiane (with Amanda’s help adding some entries.)

09-03-14

**

cricket organizing stuff – home office / art studio / research paperwork organizing videos – humor in real life – CricketDiane Cricket House Studios video

Tags

art studio, art studio small business office organization, Artist, cleaning closets, Cricket House Studios, cricketdiane, funny video about how to organize, how to videos - organize, humor, organizing

Organizing Your Stuff – Part One
What to do when it can’t be done like the home shows on cable tv – if it isn’t dragging it out into the yard and throwing nearly all of it away, this is a how-to option about organization of useful stuff, especially in small spaces. Video by cricketdiane – june 2009.

Cricket House Studios – CricketDiane Organizing Video – 1 – (Introduction – more to come)

cricketdiane09 06 18 09 Organizing Video 1

***

Organizing Your Stuff – Part One
What to do when it can’t be done like the home shows on cable tv – if it isn’t dragging it out into the yard and throwing nearly all of it away, this is a how-to option about organization of useful stuff, especially in small spaces. Video by cricketdiane – june 2009.

Cricket House Studios – CricketDiane Organizing Video – 2- (Introduction – more to come)

cricketdiane09 06 18 09 Organizing Video 2

***

My Note –

This is a starting place for a video I’m making about organizing a space which has become over-run with stuff. In this case, the way video shows on the tele do it will not be appropriate because a.)  I don’t have a yard to drag it into like they do on the cable shows, b.) I don’t have the money to replace it after they throw it away, give it away or sell it for a dollar at a yard sale and c.)  I use the stuff that has accumulated in this area as other areas were being organized.

Intentionally light-hearted and off-the-cuff, this video is nearly unscripted but I did write the first sentence down so I’d know where to start. There are places for these things to be used in art areas, computer areas and easily accessible shelves which the next step-by-step sequences of video clips will cover as the process of organizing it unfolds. This is specifically for people who don’t have the money to throw things away, then run to the store to buy another screwdriver to replace the one that was available but in the way.

Since I have a studio, business office, research facility, secretarial pool of one, shipping and packaging team of one and executive offices (also of one) which all exist in the same small space, it needs to be organized and fluid to be realistic and practical. Things aren’t useful if I can’t find them or get my hands on them at the point in the project when I need them which is partly how they became disorganized in the first place.

Any stack of files that is in use presents a unique placement problem around here, particularly since other activities occur in the same spaces. I don’t need paint slinging on the paintings that are completed nor on the paperwork in stacks of files sitting nearby. It has to be given consideration as new organization systems are being constructed.

I finally gave up and put an entire set of canvases that are finished artworks up on top of the shelves where they can stand rather than taking space where a foot could catch them or hanging them on every wall. There are still stacks of paintings in the floor along walls but it is a divide and conquer thing now – some of them may have to find new homes in the community rather than being here.

Tools and me – it is just a thing, I know – but, they are hard to adequately set up for use and be out of the way at the same time. It is something that I’m going to explore while making this video because I really need a good solution that works for this one. I think I’ve had them everywhere from out in the open on shelves to under the kitchen cabinets, under tables, at the back of bookcases behind the books, in the closet sub-reaches under the hanging clothes and in stacked tool boxes along the walls. They are about to become an art thing that hangs on the wall simply out of the necessity of reaching them without having them under foot.

Tools are about the worst thing to have to go looking for – and it always happens in the middle of a project with the pieces held together in one hand while looking for the tools needed by rummaging around with the other hand and up to the elbows in some toolbox (under a table or in a closet floor or wherever.)

It ought to be a good video – sure is fun making it (so far – but I haven’t pulled stuff out from under the table yet, so . . . )

– cricketdiane, 06-19-09

Seeking a publisher – and no I don’t have seven dollars a piece to send it in the mail to every publisher in America so I can wallpaper my bathroom with rejection letters . . . the Got No Money Guides I’ve written are needed in America right now – what business wants to use this publication to help their business make money today?

Tags

Business, business tools, Creativity, engineering is a verb, engineering solutions, funny, get publicity for your business, got no money guides, How-to, humor, innovation, Inventing Solutions For America, invention, inventiveness, living in America, promote your business, publisher, Real-life, self-help, Solutions, writer

Dear _ _ –

This is a request for submission to have a book of humor published. It screams redneck – it screams recession – it screams lighten up.

There is a group of writings called, “The Got No Money Guides To Good Living Anyway.” It includes the Got No Money Guide to Home Security, The Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating, The Got No Money Guide to Good Living, and others.

During this time of economic recession, there are a lot of people having the experiences described by this light hearted look at living with no money. It is funny. It is based on true experiences during my personal recession some years ago.

I would be interested in submitting these materials to you for publication. There is enough already written to produce a small coffee table or gift book. More could certainly be created by me to fill several hundred pages or several books with a matching title for a series. Are you interested in seeing this material and negotiating the opportunity to publish?

Thankyou,

“Cricket” Diane C Phillips
1525 Terrell Mill Place, Apt. H
Marietta, GA  30067

(770) 933-9467

dianecphillips@comcast.net
https://cricketdiane.wordpress.com/
http://cricketdianecphillips.wordpress.com/
Excerpt from the “Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating”

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating
Copyright 2008, 2007, 1992 Cricket Diane C Phillips
Genius is to be Resourceful, ingenious, daring, creative and let go of the confounded limitations in propriety cricket quote from 1999

*When you got no money it’s not the same as being poor. Poor is a state of mind. Got no money is a fact.

*A trail of stars:
Camping under the stars – Glow in the dark stars on every ceiling is easier than camping –
no bugs, no rain, real beds and the keys don’t get locked in the car.

* With a nature sounds recording – you’ll think you’re in the woods till your ex-mother-in-law comes over.

*The best way to approach decorating when there is no money is to choose a color scheme and really stick with it. One of our favorites is cardboard brown, grey and glow in the dark.

* You know houseplants are just fast growing weeds with a pot stuck under them.

* Houseplants are easier to hang than bankers but not near as much fun to watch.

* For 99 cents , you can glo-in-the-dark anything. Who needs fancy emergency lights and a generator for a storm? Put enough glo-in-the-dark paint around and you can’t tell the difference.

* We glo-in-the-dark everything. We can find our shoes in the dark, our stove in the dark, my husband’s privates in the dark.

* Don’t say anything to my husband about the glo-in-the-dark privates thing. He never looks down at himself and I haven’t told him.

* Plastic flowers in the window boxes were a great idea from a friend of mine, but we couldn’t afford them. So, we put that idea with another problem we kept having and now our windows have really great dirty socks on a stick in the boxes. From the street, you can’t tell anyway.

*No, they don’t glo-in-the-dark. But, we could do that . . .

*My husband keeps asking what happened to all his socks. So you think I should tell him? He can’t divorce me. We don’t have any money.

* I started to wallpaper the bathroom with legal papers. The government is the only one that can afford paper. They sent a tone of it to our house. Surely it could be a decorating element. You can’t wipe with it.

(There’s more on this topic.)

Excerpt from the Got No Money Guide to Home Security –

Got No Money Guide to Home and Personal Security
Copyright 2008, 2007, 1991 by Cricket Diane C Phillips
Got No Money Guide to Home Security

Most people get a sticker for their window that says,  Protected by xx Security and Alarm  or something like that. Then, of course, every month there is a fee for the company to protect the property by manning the alarms.

When you got no money, that isn’t realistic. So, to help the world of folks with no money, these are anti-theft suggestions and crime deterrents as stickers for the home, car and personal property:

*Already pawned everything of value.

*There’s a reason I drive a beat-up Ford.

*We were the 223 millionth American family to file for bankruptcy. What they didn’t take isn’t worth stealing.

*Ex air traffic controller – Ex postal carrier – go for it – make my day.

*The credit cards in my wallet were maxed out three months ago. I was arrested at an atm for trying to withdraw my own money. The bankruptcy will be final eventually after my ex-wife’s lawyers are done screwing up my life. Have it all – your luck has to be better than mine.

*If you steal my checks or atm card – you’ll have to beat the checks to the bank just like I do.

*We couldn’t afford our car insurance and this vehicle is registered with the State Office of No Insurance. Take it at your own risk. Oh yeah – and I’ve been meaning to get the brakes fixed – use the parking brake if you’re going to want to stop at all. Just tug real hard.

*Unemployed Taxpayer.

*Our house is in foreclosure. Please feel free to take the rest so we don’t have to pay movers.
*Everything here came from the thrift store. Help yourself.

*We are justifiably poor. We follow a religious order. Apparently you need to join. We can save you. Come back when we’re here and we will.

*Do you know how many ways you can make macaroni and cheese into different meals? We do. We aren’t doing that because we can afford to go out to eat. Our children think happy meals are days we can eat rice and bologna. Don’t tell ‘em.

*Unemployed long enough to hate everybody. Come on in.

*We own a black and white tv. The children put rocks in our cassette player. We have two lamps that don’t work and the telephone’s ringer don’t ring since I threw it at the wall. If you really want it – go for it.

(There’s more . . . )

Excerpt from:

More Got No Money Home and Personal Security

More stickers for the protection of home, self and property:

Got No Money Guide 2007 Anti-Theft Bumper Stickers – More from 2007

It’s easy to understand that a little sticker on the car or home windows could deter criminals from desiring an end prize that isn’t worth it. Security company logos are used on property all the time to let the bad guys know the risk involved. But, if the thieves only knew . . .

* Before stealing this car – check the gas gauge. Yes, it is on E isn’t it?

* And how much money did you bring with you to stop by the Quicky Mart for gas? If things are bad enough to be stealing this car, you are in for a shock when you stop for gas . . . You know, it doesn’t go without gas, right?

* Apparently “D” doesn’t stand for “Daring to Believe”. I wish I had known that before I bought it and spent all my money to drive it. If you want to steal it, let me know and I’ll send you the payment book, the insurance forms and the maintenance schedule. You can have it all.

* The only air conditioning on this car is rolling down the windows. You might want to know what that rattling sound is under the car. Never mind – go ahead and steal it.

* Isn’t this just the perfect car you’ve always wanted? I felt that way, too. Would you like to know why I don’t feel that way anymore?

* If you knew what the auto mechanic wanted to fix this car – you’d get out of the business of stealing and be a mechanic.

* You just made my day. Thanks so much for wanting something I have. And my mom said this car was a worthless piece of – well, never mind what she said.

* I have a bank account I can’t keep a hundred dollars in and you think I have bank cards, credit cards and cash? What drugs are you on – that must be some good stuff. Just off in your own happy little la-la land, aren’t you?

* I have a daughter who is just your type. Leave your name and phone number – we’ll get back to you.

* Don’t worry about stealing the car – our daughter will find it when she’s ready to go somewhere and bring it back to you with no gas in it.

* Just because I look like I’ve got money – it doesn’t make it so. Just ask my mother-in-law.

* Let’s look at this. Stealing isn’t efficient. Hacking is efficient. But neither is efficient compared to being an attorney. Boy, do you need guidance.

(Yep, there’s more . . . )

And one last note from the Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating (and Interior Design) –

* Butt is not a fashion decorating word but it is a priority element of decorating. What you do with butts makes all the difference in decorating. Cheap seats are hard seats. Can’t afford them anyway. And no money butts are hard, scrawny, boney butts. Hard seats won’t do. You’ll have to keep a crowbar on the wall to pry the seats from the butts. Isn’t that special? Early American . . .

Excerpt from:

Got No Money Guide To Good Living – 2
Written by Cricket Diane C Phillips 2008

* I have an active living environment. This means a got no money good living environment dedicated to actively living in it. Things to do, workspaces for doing them and living by doing.

* You’ve got to ask yourself what you’d be doing if you had all the money in the world anyway.

* If its sitting around reading books – get some books. If its cooking special meals for people you love – get some recipes and do it.

* This isn’t a hard concept to grasp. I found it in a book once. Then I bought seeds for gardening and planted them.

* It was during a bad drought and only one marigold and five tomato plants grew out of thousands of seeds – about $8 worth of seed packets.
* But the seeds from those six plants have grown tomatoes and marigolds everywhere I’ve lived since. They’ve provided flowers and tomatoes in my friends’ and neighbors’ yards, at my parents’ house and I still have some today from them.

* If I don’t have a yard to garden – I just go and garden somebody else’s yard or plant them in the window inside the house. Its all the same to me because if I were rich its what I would do. So, I do it. Why wait?

* Between books from the library, books on sale, books online and books at the thrift store, yard sales and friends of the library sales – there are whole libraries available to own when you got no money and want good living.

* Be aware that what you have in your hand may be a library book before you stick it under the couch where the leg used to be. And, as soon as you use the dictionary for that you’ll need to look up a word. Better go find a brick instead.

* May as well not sit around thinking about what you haven’t got. Build it, create it, do it with what is around you.

* There is always something – some way to do it – somewhere to find it – some way to acquire it even with no money.

* In fact, with money is one of the most inefficient ways to go about it for most things most of the time.

* By the time I’ve shopped for what doesn’t really suit the purpose I have for it, I could’ve built, acquired or reclaimed four things (at least) to solve the problem that suits the purpose.

Got No Money Guide To Good Living 2

* Most good living is going to happen whether or not you got any money. Trashy living will happen too whether you got any money or not. The trick is to do more of the good living than letting it slide into trashy regardless of your economic reality.

* I’ve got to say, though, there is some comfort in trashy living – nobody expects much and its easy enough to accomplish that.

* If you wanna do good living when you got no money – its really easy. Satin pillowcases for your head and day-old cakes, donuts and collecting stuff everybody else is done using.

* We had do it later mentality for a long time until one day I realized we were going to be poor for probably ever and ever so that day we started good living anyway.

* We bought fancy napkins that cost fifty cents each at the clearance aisle one week which isn’t too bad if you don’t mind that they won’t match each other or anything else either.

* Those napkins were a one-time investment for years of imagining the fine dining of a fancy restaurant without leaving home.

(And, there’s more . . . )

http://cricketdianecphillips.wordpress.com/

The parts of these guides that are posted here online are only a small part of the total that are already written – some by hand and some on the computer. There is also a Got No Money Guide to Starting a Business, and Got No Money Guide to Getting Around Town (transportation, kinda)
and ones about entertainment, creating stuff and although I haven’t written it yet, I swear that I have enough information to write a SPAM cookbook of 5000 ways to fix spam, or turkey, or whatever that meat was we were eating – might have been squirrel or deer meat, never asked.

People are experiencing these things now and they need to be able to laugh about it and to get a real look at it with a sense of humor. This book can do that and so much of the material is already written, that I hope you will consider it and put it into publication right now where it can help.

Thanks so much,

Diane.

***
Who I am and why I am the most qualified person to write this book –

Diane C. Phillips – (cricketdiane)
50 years old
Ph.D. in living without money and surviving it.

I was born in Ohio, lived in Florida, Georgia, California, Georgia, California, South Carolina, North Carolina and now, in Georgia for what seems like forever in poverty and got no money living. I grew up in California.

Attended several colleges, learned something and went on. Married twice, taken hostage once by a man I had two children with – overall, I have seven children, none of which live with me.

I have real world experience with this long enough to have a sense of humor about it. I can do more with less than most people would consider trying but now they are having to do just that.

And, people are killing themselves over this stuff, over losing their homes to foreclosure, losing jobs to layoffs and businesses going bankrupt. It isn’t necessary. It’s only money and as long as we stay in the alive column, we can always get money.

It would be better if I were the one available to advise those who are about to be living in their cars or having financial impossibilities, compared to watching people with two college degrees as experts on cable news make suggestions to them. I know what to do. The lessons I’ve learned have come from living with the reality of having no money.

How does someone with money on the ATM card and nineteen credit cards to their name, know what to tell a person whose house is in foreclosure, just lost their job and doesn’t have a clue what to do next? One thing, first of all, that I do know is how to think about it such that opportunities can be created, options can be generated and a creative thinking process can be awakened to deal with the situation. I have paid the price to know that. It is why I can write the humorous materials about it.

I’ve lived it. I am an expert.

What am I selling? Who am I selling it to? Who is going to buy it?

The Got No Money Guides to Good Living are – A distinctive way to look at options when there is no money to throw at problems.

People who want to enhance their creativity and problem solving in the midst of difficult economic times, those who need a good laugh and to not despair are in need of this book.

People will buy it as a gift for family members who are worried and afraid or who are going through financial hardships. They will also buy it for friends at work and at church who are having difficulties and hopefully, it will perk them up a bit. This is also applicable to those who are 30 – 90 years old and have lived through financial difficulties already or who are now. They will pick this book up out of all the stacks of books and do something to help themselves. And, they will gain a sense of humor about where they stand in all of this. It will spark the creativity, imagination, innovative spirit and hope that will carry them through this crisis by creating their own viable solutions to this economic crisis.

It will also give them a good belly laugh which heals beyond all else when things are truly important and seem truly impossible.

These are good reasons to publish this material. It is timely. It is appropriate. It is helpful and it is funny. And, it is fun and creative, awakens innovative thinking and inspires. It is what people need right now, not sitting on a shelf somewhere but available to them in print for purchase.

The Got No Money Guides to Good Living
by Cricket Diane C Phillips, 2009

***

Seeking a publisher – and no I don’t have seven dollars a piece to send it in the mail to every publisher in America so I can wallpaper my bathroom with rejection letters . . . the Got No Money Guides I’ve written are needed in America right now – what business wants to use this publication to help their business make money today?