The Got No Money Guide To Business –
2008 Cricket Diane C Phillips
08-08-08 (from 2007, 2008)
When cow shit is out in a field and you have to go with a shovel and get it up so the cows can be comfortable – it is cow shit.
If you put that same cow shit in a bag and put the word “fertilizer” on it – then it isn’t cow shit anymore and people pay good money to get it.
That is marketing.
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* Have you got you an old photo album? Now there’s your packaging all right. Clear part gets cut off and it’ll wrap anything like it came from the drug store . . .
* Now then, you’re gonna need what’s called a business plan – that’s where you tell ‘em on paper what you’re about to do before you’ve done it –
Kinda like a fishing story in reverse.
* And don’t show it to your mama. That is a mistake cause she’ll say you’re a moron. And if she don’t say it outright – you’ll still know it by the time she’s done explaining it to you – ‘bout you and business.
* Don’t think you gotta have one of them fancy ten dollar pens to do business – that’s why God made them pencils with an eraser . . .
* Those erasers are about the best way to back out of an idea whose time hasn’t come.
* I have a lot those – I’ve done gone through three of them twelve packs of erasers this week. Of course – you might not need ‘em.
* I read in a book that businesses don’t break even for two or three years. That didn’t mean nothin’ till I started spending my money to do business.
* That means for three years, I’m gonna be spending out before taking in’ll overtake it. That’s like having a teenager living at home.
* First they wanna have a three hundred dollar bike and then they run into the neighbor down the street, and you’re paying for everybody’s teeth to get fixed.
* Business seems to be that way too – if you don’t advertise then don’t nobody know you’re in business or that what you got they can’t live without.
* If you do advertise – you won’t see any but the tail end of your money on its way out for three – maybe four years.
* And, that’s when it’ll stand still long enough to know you’ve made some money before it goes out to keep going.
* That’s called, “breaking even.” (I guess after that, it might pile up enough to fill up the fridge with something better than air ice.)
* And, after that its what them bankers call profit. Don’t get too excited about that . . .
* If it’s a nickel over the dollar you spent to get it done in business – well, howdy – that’s profit.
* I can just see it five years from now, showing off to my mama who said I never done nothing right in business.
* And I’ll say, “I got the dollar I spent back and a nickel besides. That there’s profit . . .”
* and she’ll say, did you get back the twenty thousand dollars you spent to get that dollar and your nickel that you’re so proud of?
* “Oh yeah, we need to frame that nickel, honey. We want to make sure everybody sees that at Christmas when they come over.”
* In fact, my mama will say she’ll just give me a nickel in the first place and save the family from the embarrassment . . . And I can just give her the twenty thousand dollars.
* Do not take your mama into business with you. This is for your own good. You do not want to know why.
* But you know I’m gonna tell you . . .
* Your mama or your daddy or any other relation, you pick ‘em, didn’t do business this way when they was coming up.
* This is a statement of fact, there is no way round it so when they tell you all about this there are three things you don’t say:
1. Did ya’ll use cellphones back then? What was your bill like?
2. You mean you talked to people in person? Why didn’t you just send ‘em an email?
3. You don’t know what you’re talking about . . .
* If you can resist saying anything along those lines, you might hear something worthwhile like an idea they used that worked.
* Otherwise, you’ll be hearing all the reasons you’re a moron that won’t ever make a nickel in business.
* Trust me on this, you don’t need to know why I know it.
* There are many good ways to use business concepts in practice. Believe me – you and I don’t know them according to anybody that knows us.
* If you don’t believe me, ask my mama.
* She will tell you, we are all morons that don’t know what we’re doing and then she’ll tell us why she knows that’s the truth . . .
* And, she don’t lie, according to her.
* My mama and others like her who’ve been doing business before and know what they’re doing – aren’t lying – we may be idiots.
* We might have to adjust for that. I know, I do.
* I’ve never felt stupider than a shoe till the other day when I asked the post office lady if US stamps came in other denominations.
* (after I already bought a pack of first class stamps,) and her expression said it all.
* How did I not know that? I was standing real proud using the word denomination instead of saying, “do you got any 84 cent stamps?”
* And there I was feeling stupider than a shoe.
* When was the last time I mailed something? Probably 1980, ‘cause they used to want string tied around packages and now the post office makes you cut it off, if you put it on there in the first place.
* And don’t ask your mama, your daddy or any of your relations, ‘cause the last time they mailed anything probably pre-dated that.
* Which is why I put string around the box in the first place after carefully wrapping with craft paper. Which, by the way, is brown and ugly and scratchy when you carry it – and completely unnecessary.
* And the post office guy will look at you and go – “what did you do all this for?” while he cuts the string off of it.
* I didn’t tell Dad they don’t do it that way anymore – let him live in a world where the post office can be relied upon to always be the same.
* Another modern concept of business is having a website and a web presence.
* Don’t tell your friends, your family and especially, your children that you are building a website. Save yourself the discomfort.
* Either they won’t see why it helps any or they will make it obvious they knew more about it at eight years old than you ever will.
* There’s no use explaining it. People that build websites are somebody else – not you, not me and not anybody they’ve ever known.
* How to do business with a website is a real trick question, too.
* It costs a small fortune to do one right and nearly anything else won’t work unless its so much stupider than any of us that we’d never even think of it.
* Try selling potato chips that look like Jesus – that works. Anything else – forget it.
Written by Cricket Diane C “Sparky” Phillips, 2008, 2007, USA
Cricket House Studios, 08-08-08