Dear _ _ –
This is a request for submission to have a book of humor published. It screams redneck – it screams recession – it screams lighten up.
There is a group of writings called, “The Got No Money Guides To Good Living Anyway.” It includes the Got No Money Guide to Home Security, The Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating, The Got No Money Guide to Good Living, and others.
During this time of economic recession, there are a lot of people having the experiences described by this light hearted look at living with no money. It is funny. It is based on true experiences during my personal recession some years ago.
I would be interested in submitting these materials to you for publication. There is enough already written to produce a small coffee table or gift book. More could certainly be created by me to fill several hundred pages or several books with a matching title for a series. Are you interested in seeing this material and negotiating the opportunity to publish?
“Cricket” Diane C Phillips
1525 Terrell Mill Place, Apt. H
Marietta, GA 30067
Excerpt from the “Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating”
Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating
Copyright 2008, 2007, 1992 Cricket Diane C Phillips
Genius is to be Resourceful, ingenious, daring, creative and let go of the confounded limitations in propriety cricket quote from 1999
*When you got no money it’s not the same as being poor. Poor is a state of mind. Got no money is a fact.
*A trail of stars:
Camping under the stars – Glow in the dark stars on every ceiling is easier than camping –
no bugs, no rain, real beds and the keys don’t get locked in the car.
* With a nature sounds recording – you’ll think you’re in the woods till your ex-mother-in-law comes over.
*The best way to approach decorating when there is no money is to choose a color scheme and really stick with it. One of our favorites is cardboard brown, grey and glow in the dark.
* You know houseplants are just fast growing weeds with a pot stuck under them.
* Houseplants are easier to hang than bankers but not near as much fun to watch.
* For 99 cents , you can glo-in-the-dark anything. Who needs fancy emergency lights and a generator for a storm? Put enough glo-in-the-dark paint around and you can’t tell the difference.
* We glo-in-the-dark everything. We can find our shoes in the dark, our stove in the dark, my husband’s privates in the dark.
* Don’t say anything to my husband about the glo-in-the-dark privates thing. He never looks down at himself and I haven’t told him.
* Plastic flowers in the window boxes were a great idea from a friend of mine, but we couldn’t afford them. So, we put that idea with another problem we kept having and now our windows have really great dirty socks on a stick in the boxes. From the street, you can’t tell anyway.
*No, they don’t glo-in-the-dark. But, we could do that . . .
*My husband keeps asking what happened to all his socks. So you think I should tell him? He can’t divorce me. We don’t have any money.
* I started to wallpaper the bathroom with legal papers. The government is the only one that can afford paper. They sent a tone of it to our house. Surely it could be a decorating element. You can’t wipe with it.
(There’s more on this topic.)
Excerpt from the Got No Money Guide to Home Security –
Got No Money Guide to Home and Personal Security
Copyright 2008, 2007, 1991 by Cricket Diane C Phillips
Got No Money Guide to Home Security
Most people get a sticker for their window that says, Protected by xx Security and Alarm or something like that. Then, of course, every month there is a fee for the company to protect the property by manning the alarms.
When you got no money, that isn’t realistic. So, to help the world of folks with no money, these are anti-theft suggestions and crime deterrents as stickers for the home, car and personal property:
*Already pawned everything of value.
*There’s a reason I drive a beat-up Ford.
*We were the 223 millionth American family to file for bankruptcy. What they didn’t take isn’t worth stealing.
*Ex air traffic controller – Ex postal carrier – go for it – make my day.
*The credit cards in my wallet were maxed out three months ago. I was arrested at an atm for trying to withdraw my own money. The bankruptcy will be final eventually after my ex-wife’s lawyers are done screwing up my life. Have it all – your luck has to be better than mine.
*If you steal my checks or atm card – you’ll have to beat the checks to the bank just like I do.
*We couldn’t afford our car insurance and this vehicle is registered with the State Office of No Insurance. Take it at your own risk. Oh yeah – and I’ve been meaning to get the brakes fixed – use the parking brake if you’re going to want to stop at all. Just tug real hard.
*Our house is in foreclosure. Please feel free to take the rest so we don’t have to pay movers.
*Everything here came from the thrift store. Help yourself.
*We are justifiably poor. We follow a religious order. Apparently you need to join. We can save you. Come back when we’re here and we will.
*Do you know how many ways you can make macaroni and cheese into different meals? We do. We aren’t doing that because we can afford to go out to eat. Our children think happy meals are days we can eat rice and bologna. Don’t tell ‘em.
*Unemployed long enough to hate everybody. Come on in.
*We own a black and white tv. The children put rocks in our cassette player. We have two lamps that don’t work and the telephone’s ringer don’t ring since I threw it at the wall. If you really want it – go for it.
(There’s more . . . )
More Got No Money Home and Personal Security
More stickers for the protection of home, self and property:
Got No Money Guide 2007 Anti-Theft Bumper Stickers – More from 2007
It’s easy to understand that a little sticker on the car or home windows could deter criminals from desiring an end prize that isn’t worth it. Security company logos are used on property all the time to let the bad guys know the risk involved. But, if the thieves only knew . . .
* Before stealing this car – check the gas gauge. Yes, it is on E isn’t it?
* And how much money did you bring with you to stop by the Quicky Mart for gas? If things are bad enough to be stealing this car, you are in for a shock when you stop for gas . . . You know, it doesn’t go without gas, right?
* Apparently “D” doesn’t stand for “Daring to Believe”. I wish I had known that before I bought it and spent all my money to drive it. If you want to steal it, let me know and I’ll send you the payment book, the insurance forms and the maintenance schedule. You can have it all.
* The only air conditioning on this car is rolling down the windows. You might want to know what that rattling sound is under the car. Never mind – go ahead and steal it.
* Isn’t this just the perfect car you’ve always wanted? I felt that way, too. Would you like to know why I don’t feel that way anymore?
* If you knew what the auto mechanic wanted to fix this car – you’d get out of the business of stealing and be a mechanic.
* You just made my day. Thanks so much for wanting something I have. And my mom said this car was a worthless piece of – well, never mind what she said.
* I have a bank account I can’t keep a hundred dollars in and you think I have bank cards, credit cards and cash? What drugs are you on – that must be some good stuff. Just off in your own happy little la-la land, aren’t you?
* I have a daughter who is just your type. Leave your name and phone number – we’ll get back to you.
* Don’t worry about stealing the car – our daughter will find it when she’s ready to go somewhere and bring it back to you with no gas in it.
* Just because I look like I’ve got money – it doesn’t make it so. Just ask my mother-in-law.
* Let’s look at this. Stealing isn’t efficient. Hacking is efficient. But neither is efficient compared to being an attorney. Boy, do you need guidance.
(Yep, there’s more . . . )
And one last note from the Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating (and Interior Design) –
* Butt is not a fashion decorating word but it is a priority element of decorating. What you do with butts makes all the difference in decorating. Cheap seats are hard seats. Can’t afford them anyway. And no money butts are hard, scrawny, boney butts. Hard seats won’t do. You’ll have to keep a crowbar on the wall to pry the seats from the butts. Isn’t that special? Early American . . .
Got No Money Guide To Good Living – 2
Written by Cricket Diane C Phillips 2008
* I have an active living environment. This means a got no money good living environment dedicated to actively living in it. Things to do, workspaces for doing them and living by doing.
* You’ve got to ask yourself what you’d be doing if you had all the money in the world anyway.
* If its sitting around reading books – get some books. If its cooking special meals for people you love – get some recipes and do it.
* This isn’t a hard concept to grasp. I found it in a book once. Then I bought seeds for gardening and planted them.
* It was during a bad drought and only one marigold and five tomato plants grew out of thousands of seeds – about $8 worth of seed packets.
* But the seeds from those six plants have grown tomatoes and marigolds everywhere I’ve lived since. They’ve provided flowers and tomatoes in my friends’ and neighbors’ yards, at my parents’ house and I still have some today from them.
* If I don’t have a yard to garden – I just go and garden somebody else’s yard or plant them in the window inside the house. Its all the same to me because if I were rich its what I would do. So, I do it. Why wait?
* Between books from the library, books on sale, books online and books at the thrift store, yard sales and friends of the library sales – there are whole libraries available to own when you got no money and want good living.
* Be aware that what you have in your hand may be a library book before you stick it under the couch where the leg used to be. And, as soon as you use the dictionary for that you’ll need to look up a word. Better go find a brick instead.
* May as well not sit around thinking about what you haven’t got. Build it, create it, do it with what is around you.
* There is always something – some way to do it – somewhere to find it – some way to acquire it even with no money.
* In fact, with money is one of the most inefficient ways to go about it for most things most of the time.
* By the time I’ve shopped for what doesn’t really suit the purpose I have for it, I could’ve built, acquired or reclaimed four things (at least) to solve the problem that suits the purpose.
Got No Money Guide To Good Living 2
* Most good living is going to happen whether or not you got any money. Trashy living will happen too whether you got any money or not. The trick is to do more of the good living than letting it slide into trashy regardless of your economic reality.
* I’ve got to say, though, there is some comfort in trashy living – nobody expects much and its easy enough to accomplish that.
* If you wanna do good living when you got no money – its really easy. Satin pillowcases for your head and day-old cakes, donuts and collecting stuff everybody else is done using.
* We had do it later mentality for a long time until one day I realized we were going to be poor for probably ever and ever so that day we started good living anyway.
* We bought fancy napkins that cost fifty cents each at the clearance aisle one week which isn’t too bad if you don’t mind that they won’t match each other or anything else either.
* Those napkins were a one-time investment for years of imagining the fine dining of a fancy restaurant without leaving home.
(And, there’s more . . . )
The parts of these guides that are posted here online are only a small part of the total that are already written – some by hand and some on the computer. There is also a Got No Money Guide to Starting a Business, and Got No Money Guide to Getting Around Town (transportation, kinda)
and ones about entertainment, creating stuff and although I haven’t written it yet, I swear that I have enough information to write a SPAM cookbook of 5000 ways to fix spam, or turkey, or whatever that meat was we were eating – might have been squirrel or deer meat, never asked.
People are experiencing these things now and they need to be able to laugh about it and to get a real look at it with a sense of humor. This book can do that and so much of the material is already written, that I hope you will consider it and put it into publication right now where it can help.
Thanks so much,
Who I am and why I am the most qualified person to write this book –
Diane C. Phillips – (cricketdiane)
50 years old
Ph.D. in living without money and surviving it.
I was born in Ohio, lived in Florida, Georgia, California, Georgia, California, South Carolina, North Carolina and now, in Georgia for what seems like forever in poverty and got no money living. I grew up in California.
Attended several colleges, learned something and went on. Married twice, taken hostage once by a man I had two children with – overall, I have seven children, none of which live with me.
I have real world experience with this long enough to have a sense of humor about it. I can do more with less than most people would consider trying but now they are having to do just that.
And, people are killing themselves over this stuff, over losing their homes to foreclosure, losing jobs to layoffs and businesses going bankrupt. It isn’t necessary. It’s only money and as long as we stay in the alive column, we can always get money.
It would be better if I were the one available to advise those who are about to be living in their cars or having financial impossibilities, compared to watching people with two college degrees as experts on cable news make suggestions to them. I know what to do. The lessons I’ve learned have come from living with the reality of having no money.
How does someone with money on the ATM card and nineteen credit cards to their name, know what to tell a person whose house is in foreclosure, just lost their job and doesn’t have a clue what to do next? One thing, first of all, that I do know is how to think about it such that opportunities can be created, options can be generated and a creative thinking process can be awakened to deal with the situation. I have paid the price to know that. It is why I can write the humorous materials about it.
I’ve lived it. I am an expert.
What am I selling? Who am I selling it to? Who is going to buy it?
The Got No Money Guides to Good Living are – A distinctive way to look at options when there is no money to throw at problems.
People who want to enhance their creativity and problem solving in the midst of difficult economic times, those who need a good laugh and to not despair are in need of this book.
People will buy it as a gift for family members who are worried and afraid or who are going through financial hardships. They will also buy it for friends at work and at church who are having difficulties and hopefully, it will perk them up a bit. This is also applicable to those who are 30 – 90 years old and have lived through financial difficulties already or who are now. They will pick this book up out of all the stacks of books and do something to help themselves. And, they will gain a sense of humor about where they stand in all of this. It will spark the creativity, imagination, innovative spirit and hope that will carry them through this crisis by creating their own viable solutions to this economic crisis.
It will also give them a good belly laugh which heals beyond all else when things are truly important and seem truly impossible.
These are good reasons to publish this material. It is timely. It is appropriate. It is helpful and it is funny. And, it is fun and creative, awakens innovative thinking and inspires. It is what people need right now, not sitting on a shelf somewhere but available to them in print for purchase.
The Got No Money Guides to Good Living
by Cricket Diane C Phillips, 2009
Seeking a publisher – and no I don’t have seven dollars a piece to send it in the mail to every publisher in America so I can wallpaper my bathroom with rejection letters . . . the Got No Money Guides I’ve written are needed in America right now – what business wants to use this publication to help their business make money today?