This set of designs like the clock above were done the other night as I was trying to change the feelings of hopelessness that came with my visit to welfare office. As much as it seems pointless to design anything or create anything new at all, to explore design and play with what might do what in it, the fact is – it feels better doing it than not and entertains the notion that it and my life just might have value. That dispels some of the hopelessness and despair of having no money and living in utter poverty, needing welfare just to have a place to live and food to eat, experiencing third world America rather than opportunities and freedom, and makes living a little more tolerable within those facts about my reality.
It is unfortunate that I’m better at promoting the businesses and projects of others than my own work, although that might not make any difference in its sales anyway. The fact is, that sports stars are given huge amounts of money while women artists and inventors are mostly treated to mental health zombifying drugs and efforts to “cure” them of that creativity, desire to accomplish and inventive spirit. It is a shame.
I finally crossed the 50,000 products mark with the things that I designed a couple nights ago in my efforts to find some hope and dispel the confusion that living these two pictures in my life is causing. It is one picture to know of these efforts to write, to invent, to design and to work through the computer into a much larger world – and to help others through those efforts in many ways, both on my blog and in the other things I do online. And, then it is a conflicting picture that has facts that include being poor, disabled, on welfare to have a place to live, having to go fill in their papers and put up with the multitude of aggravating and difficult requirements those systems have for getting even one dime of that help. The environments are overwhelming. They are confusing. They are humiliating. The systems and people working in them intentionally make it even more difficult than it has to be. And, the fact that I need those things through welfare programs just to have any little crumbs of money at all despite the efforts I’ve made to make my own living from my skills – is absolutely mind-numbing and serves to underscore the futility of having ever tried to do that.
And today, here in a few minutes – I have to go up there again to that office in Staten Island that serves the welfare programs here. At least I was able to speak to someone on the phone yesterday that is expecting me to come there today in person. However, at the front desk as I come in the door – they will still try to force me to go over to customer service with a number to sit for two hours before seeing her. If I insist on seeing her directly or them calling her on the phone to tell her I am there – they will probably send me out the door or off to a mental hospital or arrest me if I don’t say it and do it in a way they find proper.
At least it is raining today. I should be working on my business but there is no money coming from that – so far it isn’t enough to have afforded the website fees that it takes to get any traffic to the store and its products. And, hopefully I will be able to go over there with my granddaughter and not lose function left loosy-goosy by head injury. I can end up with half a face after all and stumbling over my right foot and not able to speak clearly – then they think I’m drunk or on drugs or something. Even at social welfare offices and with staff that know they are serving people who have a vast range of disabilities and economic challenges, it never occurs to them to consider that the effects of heat from walking up there is affecting the person or the disabilities they have or anything else that is rational and would be common sense about it. They demand that we come there time after time without getting anything accomplished, that we show up in extreme heat or cold or thunderstorms, that we open our doors of our homes and living spaces to any of their workers at a moments notice anytime they request it to see how we live, that we wait for hours upon hours without anything to eat or drink or do nor allow speaking to any extent while waiting (I’ve watched the security guard tell people to stop talking with one another in the waiting lobbies) – and that we return to their offices over and over and over for the same things without any help whatsoever for bus fares or lunch or a soda or a place to sit down in the cool to rest and buy a cup of coffee or a soda. It is insane and it is insane making. And, then they are rude and insulting on top of it with an attitude of contempt that we are even there at all despite the fact they wouldn’t have a job there otherwise.
If I could’ve made my business work, I suppose it would have and then I wouldn’t be doing this and going to the welfare office at all. I can’t speak for everyone who needs these programs or is poor or disabled, but for me – there is such an utter sense of failure in it that I can’t even think straight for the thoughts of that fact presenting itself in every part of going there and suffering these indignities from it.
– cricketdiane 2013
Oh yeah, and in this I’m supposed to be applying the things I’ve learned, do my exercises that allow me greater function than the head injury would allow me (though that is years away from today), work on re-building my self esteem, use anger management tools rather than be pissed off by all this, act in a decent way to others around me and continue to build my business and brand without giving up. Yeah, right.
And at some point today or tomorrow – some well meaning person will say to me, “Have you ever tried to sell your art? Why don’t you just sell your art? You would be a millionaire.” And I’m not supposed to deck them or be rude back to them after they’ve said it no matter how I feel about it at that point.
One I designed last night among several –