Have been trailing our family history for the last week and a half.
Have helped with plumbing at parent’s house before that. (for two weeks.)
Studied a bit on Wales and Welsh history, then American History (and Southern history in America.)
I’ve been thinking and sorting it out.
Also made some notes about the business stuff. (concerning the projects I own, like the America the Beautiful Show websites.)
Twittered a little. (noted the SecurID algorithm sets theft and Fukushima reactor 2 being injected with nitrogen as last resort – news.)
Cleaned some of the house, built a tremendous Lego construction, then took it apart. (took pictures, it was room size.)
Crunched some numbers. (about various things from family dates to paying my bills to designs for equations I’m studying.)
Defined some possibilities and set up the sequences for it. (Could sell the equations outright as a business, maybe – blueprints.)
Met with my son for awhile one day, talked with my daughter, emailed some friends (but that has been about three weeks ago now.)
Can’t get there from here.
In fact, wherever it is – can’t get there from here.
(Might be that everywhere could get here easier than that, in fact.) (or rather, everyone could get here from there easier.)
Back of the envelope figuring – doing it this way would take thirty more years to get anywhere from here.
And, I’m considering what to do with my research notes. Mom wants me to write a book – but not about anything I’ve researched.
She thinks it should be about my life story. And, my life experiences. Wouldn’t that be a lark?
So, that said and all of that said –
. . .
. . .
. . . .
Just thinking some more.
. . . .
and some more.
And, what do I want to do?
. . .
None of the above.
See, here’s the thing. I bitch about not having money, but I like obscurity. There is a freedom in obscurity that doesn’t come from anywhere else in America this day and age. If I take my research and post it or sort it out into some dynamic paper, I risk being something somewhere no longer in obscurity. I like the freedom of walking down the street and nobody knowing I do anything of merit. It has some risks, like being mistaken for somebody that doesn’t give a damn by police or storeowners occasionally, but for the most part, I can dress how I please, walk where I want, and not have to answer dumb questions just because I can since nobody thinks I would know the answer anyway.
I have found that it is easy to say, look at this and nobody look at it come hell or highwater. I can do that with my art, with my research, with projects, with business ideas, or with the papers I write. It is easy to say, “listen to this” and literally have no one listen simply because they’re not going to be told what to do and when to do it. But, that same thing makes it easy to hide damn near everything. And, to hide in obscurity where it is safe(r). It isn’t safe from some things like people who would abuse me, however. I’ve found that out in difficult measure. And, it isn’t safe from the very worst of what humanity can do (as a group) simply because I’m poor.
Sometimes though, it feels like I want to join the world in their endeavors and lend a hand. Sometimes, it feels like I would be happier if I had money and acknowledgment and were known for what I do – or for what I can do. And, sometimes (especially when I want to buy something or go see places and do things like that), it seems like I should be making money for the things I can do. And, then I try to come out of obscurity while trying to hold onto it at the same time. Doesn’t work, but I retain my precious freedom to be myself.
So, in some sense it does work and in some sense, it does not. Like with the America the Beautiful Show project, I had hoped to sell it and not be associated with it so that it could be brought to America without being wrapped up in my past and my personal frailties. But, to do that requires getting very public with the project personally in order to promote what it is and tell about it and simply to come out of obscurity in order to do that. Nope, that does not sound like fun. And, it defeats the purpose of trying to sell it in the first place. Yet, that is what it would take in order to find a buyer for it and substantiate its value in the public marketplace. Its the only way to give it a track record of any kind to prove there is an interest in it, therefore a value for it.
You know, I’m not shy. I’m not agoraphobic. I like to talk just fine with people and find it easy to make lasting friends. However, the idea of being a public target of ridicule and scorn, doesn’t sound very appealing. And, with the past I have, ridicule, scorn, contempt, misunderstanding, opinionated assumptions, and pre-judgements are pretty much all that I can expect to get from people, especially “the public” at large. Even in obscurity, I deal with that and have for many, many years. I cannot expect the public to be any kinder and generous than the people who I’ve known at my elbow all my life and they don’t mind not being “nice” to me about who I am, about who I think I am trying to do something, and about what right I have to be trying to do it. Being public with my projects would simply invite those things on a much larger and more intense scale, nothing more.
I’m thinking about it.
Do I really want the America the Beautiful Show, for instance (although it is one of many “projects” which would require a more public stance in order to accomplish the next stages of them), to be available to help America if it means I would have to go running around the country publicly promoting what it is? Do I care that much about any of it – or would it be easier to let it go never seeing the light of day?
Not just easier, more preferable?
Do I feel that way about all the projects – does it matter to me if they end up in the landfill rather than becoming an asset to America and the world – (and to my children)?
Damn it – I don’t know.