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Shade Tree Wisdom –
2008 Cricket Diane C “Sparky” Phillips

* can’t spend what you don’t have.

* there are easier ways to start a car besides moonshine but not near as tolerable to driver and car.

* if you can’t have fried chicken for Sunday dinner – you need another job or get to church when they’re eatin’.

* an atv is just a tractor without legs on it – can’t cut nothing with it.

* if you have an aunt you don’t like – she will be the first one over when you’re dead or sick or dying.

* keep your peace of mind – don’t marry a woman your mama don’t like – you’ll wish you got chickens instead.

* know what’s better than buying a new truck? Buying somethin’ to go on it.

* if you got 30 friends – you got a party; with eight friends – you got a baseball team; with two friends – you got an argument, sooner or later.

* when you can’t buy what you want – you need to go sell some firewood or if it aint winter time, want somethin’ else they’ll trade moonshine for.

* after a car don’t run no more, set it over in the weeds and after a couple weeks invite your city friends over – they’ll wanna buy it and haul it out for you – (won’t have to mow that area for weeks.)

* good entertainment requires anything larger than you are – that’s why monster trucks are fun to watch and golf isn’t.

* never bet on a car you ain’t driving.

* if a deer jumps up on your hood – tell everybody you bagged it lest its out of season – in that case, best put it back where you found it.

* any good car you won’t get in a divorce.

* anybody who cain’t fix a tire – don’t need to be driving.

* oil pressure is a relative thing. The more relatives you got – the greater the pressure to put cod liver oil in your life.

* good birds are the ones that don’t eat the corn put out in the garden. I don’t know of any good birds and they isn’t enough meat on ‘em to make it worth shooting ‘em.

* four pints of sand to the gallon makes good drainage in a garden and four bottles of beer to the hour while fixin’ the garden makes the plants grow better unless your wife or mama sees how you’re gardening.

* any toy that makes a hobby – makes a good decoration for the garden; any tool that rusts makes a good decoration for the garden; anybody that annoys you regularly could make a good decoration for the garden – but don’t do it – there are laws against that near everywhere.

* don’t give a lot of attention to what all them laws are – they change ‘em ever week and some of ‘em don’t count no ways.

* if you don’t like what a store’s sellin’ – don’t go there; if you don’t like the preacher, go for your mama but don’t give ‘em no money; if you don’t like the neighbors – get ‘em a job up in the city.

* anything hasn’t got four wheels on it, ought not be on the road anyways.

* its common sense to know that if the roof needed fixin’, the attic needed cleaning or the tree branches up there needed cutting – there’d a been a storm come take the roof off, where it’d a have to have got done.

* anybody that don’t agree with you – is wrong, just plain – and there ain’t no helping some people so why waste any time on it. You won’t ever like everybody no ways.

* and if they don’t know no better than to like you – they’s no sense setting it straight – just borry their tools and go on.

* never put up a swimming pool in your backyard unless you like children a whole lot ‘cause every relation with any children are gonna come over an’ visit.

* don’t never tell your mama what you don’t like about her no matter what she’s told her church friends about you.

* any woman that don’t have a husband already best be left alone ‘cause your mama won’t like her either and they’s probably good reason nobody’s done snatched her up and married her up to now. (If you don’t believe it – ask your mama and she’ll explain it to you.)

* married women that are willing are probably as dangerous as your mama says they are.

* a good woman’s like a good shoe – bound to be wore out ‘bout the time its comfortable.

Written by Cricket Diane C Phillips, 08-10-08, USA