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That last husband I had, used to be so pissy. He would come in with a chip on his shoulder from something somebody said at work and then not like the wall steaks for dinner that were on sale. If that wasn’t the dinner and it was something else or it wasn’t going to be done fast enough, he didn’t like that, either. (Wall steaks = flat as a pancake and too tough to chew.)

I, personally, got tired of getting beaten up in my own home by essentially a spoiled brat that wore his feelings on his sleeve and was always having to get even. He even kept his own list of all the petty slights that he didn’t care for – which, he believed established good reason for beating the crap out of me, tearing up everything we owned, threatening my children, and he believed gave him righteous good reason to kill me if he felt like it.

Yep, I got tired of it and it occurred to me one day that we were essentially very lazy people. I knew he was for certain and I was pretty sugar-well sure I was getting way into that category, too. So, I started the “slap yourself and slide down the wall” campaign each and everytime he started to get riled up to his satisfaction to hit me.

I would just look up & say – “wouldn’t it be easier just to tell me to ‘slap yourself and slide down the wall?’ Then, you wouldn’t have to even get up out of your chair. It’d save a lot of time and effort and cleaning up after the fact.”

Well, it didn’t always work but my children and I still use that very expression to this day. Especially, it’s used when something is really too stupid to make it worthwhile getting up for. You know, the kinda stuff like, “he took my toy – she said I was a bozo” . . . etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum.

Generally, everybody gets to laughing so hard it breaks the folly of argument (at least long enough to do something else and reconsider options.) Then, the negotiations resume, whether among the children I know or the adults that act like them, more times than not.

And, yes – my children, family and friends have said it to me, as well. No, I didn’t need it nor deserve it at the time, mostly, but there you go – I’m a human being everyday of the week and sometimes I can say and do things that will embarrass the balls slap off anybody – or annoy the hoodah out of ’em. That’s justifiable homicide in some places I’ve been – it does pay to do some research and find out what kinda family you’ve married into before signing on the dotted line. I don’t think I even knew that last husband’s last name until we were signing the marriage certificate up at a Baptist Church in Aiken, SC. He never mentioned it and I didn’t ask. Boy, talk about real life getting the best of you at times. It sure did that time on me.

Written by Cricket Diane C “Sparky” Phillips, 2008, 05-26-08, USA – Cricket House Studios – USAX1, 2008

“Memboria Day” – At least I didn’t call it mermaids’ day this time . . .