Since posting the two posts about what has happened when I’ve tried to move to New York – where I’m sitting now in my daughter’s apartment rather than to have my own place here in what had been her apartment using my section 8 voucher brought from Georgia – (those posts are here but they would take forever to read so I wouldn’t blame anyone for not reading them – )
Anyway, to continue – since posting those and sitting here not knowing exactly what to do beyond that – while still trying to do something with creating my business stuff online and watching my grandchildren so my daughters can work – I’m just pissed off. There are no other words for it. And some of it is that I’m pissed off about stupid little things concerning having these particular disabilities that I’m working to go beyond constantly and some it is being pissed off at people who have no investment in my life getting to screw it up with a flick of a pen and simply unreasonable decisions that I have no way to know how to fix properly or immediately while it could do some good.
And, I hate that. It makes it harder to tolerate people who are stuck on stupid where it concerns my disabilities which commonly comes out around these kinds of situations – like family members who tell me I don’t follow through and have always had a problem with that – as do others with head injury and post traumatic stress disorder, among other disabilities that go with them. I just want to scream at them – if you know that I have trouble with following through then help me with that instead of discussing that fact with all my other family members as if it is some moral disorder that I can in some way make a choice to fix. If it is beyond my measure and it is obviously so – then why not help fill in the elements of that which I can’t do so that I can follow through on things. How hard would that be? And, it doesn’t help to have been telling me that for every occasion since 1984 when the head injury occurred without ever having helped to fix any of that. Damn their bullshit sometimes.
Most of the time, I have to work with others whether I want to or not – and that is true of most people with head injury and other disabilities. But, truly – others do not have to work with us nor accommodate our silly, stupid and, what they believe, are crazy needs. I’m always going to have some crazy requests to suit my specific needs. I can’t help that. Most people don’t watch the same movies fifty times. I do. It helps me and every time, it is as if I’ve nearly never seen it before anyway, so I can thoroughly enjoy it again as if it is the first time I’ve seen it. At the same time, however, I have learned more of speaking and using words as I’ve seen those movies over and over again because I do start to remember them and the dialogue and scenes in them to some extent because of having seen them so many times. But truly – others around me think it is crazy to see the same movies fifty times or more and still want to see them again. They don’t want to do that. Most people see a movie once and maybe twice because it is on tv one day when nothing else seems fun to watch – and then they might tolerate seeing it again. So, whatever – sometimes I get to see those movies again and sometimes I have to put up with people including my family members around me that won’t tolerate me seeing it once more – whatever movie it is. And, sometimes I have family members refuse to allow the closed captioning to be on because they don’t like it – as well as some friends being that way over the years – including at times, the insistence by some people that those words playing at the bottom of the screen cause schizophrenia and other psychological disorders. In fact, having heard some of the insanity around me like that over the years, I’m here to tell you that “normal” people are not real impressive nor something I would ever aspire to be now that I have learned more about what they are like.
And, that is just the thing that seems to be pissing me off most today – that I could make all these efforts and that thousands of others who don’t have to make these efforts are welcomed into their new communities where they move, are helped by every single thing out there that could help them start a business or do the tasks involved in it, and their family members are something they can deal with if they want to and not deal with if they don’t – but mostly, their family members are helpful, tolerant and understanding of them. Why can’t I do that? Why is that so hard for me and for others with disabilities? Why does it have to be made harder for us when there is so incredibly much money being given to help us that we never see and never get to access – and so many people being paid to help us to do things that never actually have to do anything to help while still getting paid and still getting to buy houses for themselves and cars and nice schools for their children and pay for their own groceries and going out to eat and go on vacations? Oh damn the English – and everything else they get to do, while being paid from funds given to help people including me with these particular disabilities. I’m tired of it.
But, I’m trying to work on my being pissed off to change it to something that would help me and possibly help others – so I’m working to create something with it, which is one of the tools / strategies I can use for anger and frustration and feeling rather lost. It is easy to get lost in the systems that the states have set up with money to help people like me and very, very easy to get angry with it all. There are infinite demands for paperwork and showing up to appointments – and then after doing all that, it really doesn’t even mean anything because even the smallest thing can take all those efforts and throw them in the trash just as it did to me with the section 8 voucher not being used fast enough on a place to rent in New York. Then, too – any bureaucratic decision can be made without cost to them personally while completely devastating my life. It makes me just want to give up and not even make the efforts to do anything past that moment. And, I really have to fight that thinking within myself too.
The fact is, that those people in New York who refused to even consider taking the voucher, weren’t rejecting me as a poor person with disabilities that they didn’t want in their property although I could look at it that way and in a few cases, it may have been true. But, they don’t know me and don’t know that I could be an asset to their community and to their neighborhood. They didn’t have any way to know that. And, the woman working at section 8 in the Marietta Housing Authority office in Georgia doesn’t know me – even though she certainly knows the disabilities I have because they are written all over my case file on paper and in her computer – all verified by countless tests and doctors and other appointments I had to get to without help. And, the fact is, she wasn’t saying anything about me personally when she chose to deny a further extension to my voucher or to help me get the apartment here in Staten Island that I need right next to my daughter’s apartment or to have this apartment, which is really the one I know and could successfully live in with my adaptive tools.
She gets paid either way – and couldn’t have cared less if I could make this work or not. But, it is easy for my mind to think it was a wholesale rejection of my value as a person with or without disabilities and that denial means there are no funds for me to have a place to live despite my efforts to have my own business – there just isn’t any other income to provide for my renting or buying something where I can live without these crumbs from the section 8 and SSI small check. I know it is wrong that it is that way considering the skills I have worked to acquire since the head injury – but it is what it is. And, still – it pisses me off and serves as constant reminder that I’m not a welcomed part of society or of any community – just a bane to the existence of others in their estimation of it. I hate that.
It would be really hard to believe in myself, to have confidence in myself and my abilities, or to have healthy self-esteem in situations like this. And, yet that is probably what is required for doing business successfully or for getting a job anywhere or making money in any way, shape or form – which would likely fix most of these things in my life. But, having said that – I have to remember that money simply doesn’t fix all of it. Maybe my business would do better and provide that money if I had other skills to add to those I have, or could acquire the self-esteem and confidence that business leaders always talk about – or could follow through more appropriately or knew how to do that. I would need to create some new tools to do that – and learn what would work for me to accomplish it in very changing and complex sets of experiences. Calendars are only partly useful to me and day runners, more of a nightmare than effective. In some ways, if I don’t see it – I don’t know to do it. And, in some ways – mnemonic tools only seem to work for things that I’ve learned and re-learned and learned again over and over and over – through the course of many years. So, if I started learning this follow through thinking today and how to associate it with any given situation to know how to apply it – how long would that be before the skills would be useful to me on a regular basis? Hmmm. That is something worth doing though – maybe I could learn it.
To get any positive thinking out of this day – I would like to offer a couple of the other ways that I deal with these kinds of difficult situations especially since I’m having to apply those things right now anyway.
* I can create something that would be helpful to others, that they would enjoy, that would make life better.
* I can go on walkabout a bit, photograph some things that are pretty or interesting, meet people, talk with people around me.
* I can go paint something to express the feelings until they are gone and have washed through me to become something else and then make some comedy writing out of it or other things.
* I can get online and find some lawyers to sue the hell out of those assholes in Marietta that did this to me.
* I can get on the phone and talk to my family members about what to do next but I’m probably not in a good mental state to put up with them being stuck on stupid and saying the wrong things to be of any help.
* I can make reservations at any mental hospital in Georgia or New York – and just go live there for the next five years or however much of my life is left and not have to fiddle with any of the rest of these things.
* I can use the power of my anger to accomplish great things – allowing that anger to stand in place of confidence that I don’t have and courage that seems to fail me. That might work.
* I can remember that Lucille Ball withstood horrors of abuse and superseded it to become a genius of comedy – Einstein reached far beyond not being able to tie his own shoes – and follow the paths they cut for me.
* I can use my tools to develop new things and new tools that would be of help to me and to the world using the anger and frustration to fuel those efforts and the hell with trying to figure out how to make money ever.
* I can remember that I have actually successfully moved many states away from anything I know despite head injury and being a survivor of many terrible shitty things – and regardless of what some stroke of the pen by a HUD worker did to my financial opportunities to have a place to live, the fact is absolutely, that I have moved successfully to a place where I am currently sitting that I do know, that I did prepare for, and that I can use successfully even though I don’t have the money to pay for it with my own resources exclusively and living fully independently in it. That is a fact. I do know my name. I can still do a vast number of things that others take for granted but I have to work hard to do – from tying my own shoes or knowing to put them on before going outside – to cooking a meal in a kitchen area that has been explained properly to me so I can use it successfully – to being able to take the buses here or walk down the street to the grocery or drug store or bodega or post office.
So, these are some of the tools that I’m being forced by the situation to use extensively right now – and from this list, I can select to apply these things, think about them, re-focus my attention and thinking with them, sort my activities into applying them and generally help myself through this situation along with its inherent anger, pissed-off-edness, difficulties and frustrations. And, I can use these tools and strategies from this list among other tools I have, to actually create new tools and strategies that will apply specifically to this one and can be used for situations of a similar nature that throw me for a loop in future experiences. In that way, I grow through the situations that I encounter rather than to be completely devastated by them. And, that is a good thing. I try to remember that most of all, because many times it seems impossible and at least half of that, is from my own thinking and emotions overwhelming me beyond measure, rather than whether it is absolutely impossible or not, no matter how hard it might be or how many steps it might require.
There is one other thing that helps me which I need to put on the inside door of one of my daughter’s kitchen cabinets. It is a card or paper that says – “Are you sure you tried “EVERYTHING”? Really?” And, that reminds me of what is truly impossible – I could not have possibly tried everything, nor created every single thing that could be brought to bear on a situation – it just isn’t possible. And, it reminds me of that – to think of things that way. And, then I might just take one more step, however small it might be. – Just one more step.
The new Adaptive Living Tools store I’m building on Zazzle – is found here -
My store on Zazzle and its main page is found here -
The pages of my zazzle store at cricketdiane where the visual identifiers can be found -
And, my new website about a week old through web.com that they built for me – and I like it a lot although it still has some work to be added to it yet – a video probably and maybe a couple more pages -
The other things I created today on the CricketDiane Zazzle store included this design among several others – I particularly like this one with its beautiful colors and design. I put it on about a hundred different products – some with repeating designs, but most like this one with a single design across the surface. The blues are extraordinary.